The Da Vinci Code

Tom Hank’s war on the French.

Interestingly enough, both, The Da Vinci Code game and movie starring Tom Hanks were released on the same day. BUT – the game version is not based on the theatrical version at all – sticking closely to Dan Brown’s original novel. So that’s why Robert Langdon in the game has absolutely no visual similarities to Mr. Hanks. In fact, he’s better looking. But even knowing that – that doesn’t mean I will play fair and not compare video game/book Robert Langdon to Tom Hanks interpretation of Robert Langdon because I’m not fair and never have been. That’s boring. So, from here on out Robert Langdon is Tom Hanks and vice versus.

There are two universal truths in this world:

  • Despite being tall I will never be good at basketball no matter how hard I try. 
  • If Tom Hanks plays you in a movie you’re a smart character but you’re physically weak. 

If Tom Hanks was a trading card – any simple or evolved form of Tom Hanks would give you +5 boost in intelligence and awareness but your physicals are going to plummet. Out of all his movie eras, Da Vinci Hanks has some of his most atrocious stat lines:

*The -3 Strength is attributed to his horrible hair cut. Not only does it makes him much more vulnerable to attacks from behind but also attacks from the front on his feelings and judgement. 

Am I actually supposed to believe that this guy can beat up anything at all? Let alone policemen? Sometimes even several at a time? A fool may scoff at a French Police Force and the French in general for being too relaxed and refined to be bothered with any sort of fisticuffs with Tom Hanks. Ignorantly believing their beautiful, democratic bellies too full with delicious cheeses and wines to bother kicking the shit out of a long haired Tom Hanks. But I know better. I know what the good people of France are capable of.

Hanks doesn’t stand a chance.

It’s true – the French are a cultivated and beautiful people. With a language that is smooth and romantic it is easy to forget these brave people stared directly back into the face of Nazism with no fear. And fuck, they even took taxi cabs to battle in World War I. That’s not only classy – it’s also badass.

Thus, I immediately find it far fetched that any Harvard scholar, “symbolist” played by Tom Hanks could just teleport down into the center of Paris and just start throwing hands at everything. It’s one thing to suspend my reality but to imagine that is to completely disown it.

Anyways, enough about Tom Hanks fighting Frenchmen. 

The Da Vinci Code is a 2006 adventure puzzle game developed by The Collective and published by 2k Games. The Collective was an American developer that developed mainly licensed games for PC/XBOX/PS2. Looks like their most successful work was the game, Indiana Jones and the Emperor’s Tomb. The Da Vinci Code would be their last release before merging with Backbone Entertainment. 

The juggernaut publisher 2k needs little introduction. They publish everything from the BioShock series to the WWE 2k series of games.

The game was met with pretty mixed reviews upon release. Mainly the trouble was with the combat system (very dull and hard to handle) and the graphics (which I don’t think are too bad to be honest)

The puzzles are a lot of fun and I enjoy them quite a bit. It’s everything in between each puzzle sequence that sort of sucks.

Here’s a penis for those of you that like them. 

Recently, I had read a post from a writer considerably smarter than me about Christianity. It was really well done and despite my lack of faith in just about everything, I enjoyed the point the article was making. The context of the article was basically tearing up a series of books they haven’t read before. And it inspired me. Not to make peace with God. But to do exactly what the author begged people not to do in the post: Absolutely dunk on a book series without reading it or knowing what the hell I’m talking about.

So – obviously – it goes without saying I am not Dan Brown. If I was Dan Brown, I’d imagine I’d be too busy swimming in my pool of liquified gold to bother keeping a website that gets two or three readers a week. BUT, if Robert Langdon in the book fights as many people as he does in this stupid game, than Dan Brown is a ridiculous maniac and should not be trusted.

Also back on the Christianity thing for a moment – the book, The Da Vinci Code, is basically considered some sort of demon spawn abomination for its rewritten religious history. I could only imagine the Catholic Church would literally do nothing short of an exorcism had it encountered this game.

Anyways, where was I. It’s impossible to not get lost in a religious tangent when reviewing this game because the entire plot is literally a series of religious tangents. Some art, some mentions of important people, an albino dickhead and a French hottie that for whatever reason feels like protecting you.

French Hottie. (

It could have just been done so much smarter. While certainly not the worst game I’ve ever played – it’s still pretty damn stupid. OR maybe I’m pretty damn stupid and if I just read the book I wouldn’t be so stuck on the damn logistics of a fighting professor.

Granted, Indiana Jones was a teacher that beat ass but that was Harrison Ford. If Harrison Ford would have played this guy I’d be all for it. Harrison Ford is boss sauce. What about Daniel Day Lewis? Matt Damon? Tom Cruise? George Clooney? Literally anyone but Tom Hanks.

The corpse of Leonardo Da Vinci could kick the shit out of Tom Hanks. 

Alright, I’m done here. I’m obviously not going to get past it. It’s an okay game but not great. Cheap and easy to find – not a bad addition if you like physical libraries but don’t go into the game expecting much.

Overall: 75%

Also being that it’s New Year’s Eve – I wanted to take a moment to wish you a Happy New Year – stay safe, have fun, call a cab, all of that common sense stuff. Hopefully next year brings a bit more global stability even if, I find it hard to believe it will.

May your projects be rewarding and your heart full of happiness. I hope to see you next year.

With love,

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