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Dark Angel

James Cameron’s cyber punk thriller fails to thrill on consoles.

To be honest, I do not remember this show what-so-ever. Even though I was an ideal demographic (pubescent dork.) So I chose to learn about the show through the most difficult method to learn about any movie or show from the early 2000’s – by playing the video game based on it and Dark Angel did not disappoint in lame confusion category.

So briefly to sum up the Dark Angel universe you need to know that somewhere in the near future (in this case the story takes place at times between 2009-2020) the US Government was overseeing Manticore – some private sector experimental genome company who were injecting kids with animal DNA and training them to become killing machines because why not?

Jessica Alba as Max Guevara

Enter Max Guevara, the now grown up weapon child and main protagonist of Dark Angel. Her and some of her freak siblings created by Manticore escape in 2009, coincidentally days before a massive electromagnetic pulse attack paralyzes the United States. Thus leaving the country computer-less and seemingly the entire country forgot how they ran shit like less than tens years before the internet ran everything so it’s pretty much an apocalyptic wasteland.

Ten years have passed since Max broke out and the terror attack devastated the States and she is still on a quest to find all of her weirdo siblings while still dodging all the Manticore chumps trying to apprehend her.

I know this all because I had to read the fucking Wikipedia page of the show. The game doesn’t explain any of this whatsoever. Which even if it did, wouldn’t make it any more fun than it’s already not.

Get ready to stare at this idiot for half the game

Every single level is the same damn thing. Each level, crazy eyes up there, yells at you to do some shit, stuff you have no idea why you’re doing in the first place, and then you do it. In between you whoop the shit out of anywhere between ten to twenty dudes per level mashing the X and O button and occasionally, Jessica Alba will say something stupid, taunting the henchmen like, “Aw what a shame, and I thought you were cute too.”

This is not the high art the Wikipedia page promised me.

If you send this email to the real Jessica Alba, she will 100% never show up. But a policeman might.

I guess you will enjoy this game a lot if, Dark Angel is your favorite show AND you really enjoy boring video games based on your favorite show.

The game is so boring that at the eleventh hour, right before launch they added a Jessica Alba photo gallery just incase. Just incase hitting the same two buttons for ten hours straight was going to be entertaining enough at least you could masturbate and temporarily forget about the $50 you just wasted.


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