Five Things I’d Rather Do Than Watch The New Elvis Movie

Who is asking for a fuckin’ Elvis movie?

Typically early on in the creative process, every creator must ask themselves, “Why am I doing this? What is my goal?” Surely, at at-least one point during the creative process of, Elvis this question was proposed and certainly with the exception of money – which is the number driving goal of everything in the world – there were other answers that could have honestly validated the existence of this film. It could have taken a polarizing, larger than life and complicated icon of American pop culture and featured the darker side of his and his management’s career. It could have been a wider commentary on the times and mental health in general, touching base on his blatant theft of black musician’s songs. Or his obvious pedophilia with fourteen year old wife, Priscilla. It could have even touched base on drug abuse and the self-parody that the fame and money Machine create.

But unfortunately, none of this is the case. According to Roger Elbert’s review, Elvis never veers from its White Savior trope, as if covering black musicians songs and not giving them any credit or money somehow equals, “elevating black voices”.

So with all that aside – despite the fact I am STILL wondering who, in 2022, even asked for a fucking Elvis movie – I have compiled a list of things I’d rather do than watch stupid Elvis.

1.) Fight Mike Tyson


2.) Send lewd photos to everyone in my contacts.

Sorry, Ma

3.) Go see Kidz Bop Live

4.) Root for the New England Patriots


5.) Spend the next six years traveling the world telling each child one by one that Santa Claus isn’t real.

Breaking all of their little hearts.

But seriously…

In the ever changing winds of what society deems more morally reprehensible, it seemed like the 2019 Michael Jackson documentary, Leaving Neverland, was the apex reaction to a world sickened to the brim with child molestation and sex offenders.

The documentary released after Jackson’s death detailed grotesque accounts of child grooming and pedophilia. Despite both victims accounts being refuted after the fact the documentary still remains to most a sad truth and to others blatant character assassination.

Now granted, I wouldn’t leave my kid with either of these dudes but at the end of the day, what are the differences between the alleged “The King” and “The King of Pop”? Why does one get a solemn documentary that portrays him as a convicted, sexually demented villainous troll and the other gets an energetic musical driven biopic with the likes of Tom Hanks?

Oh also, interestingly enough if you go on Elvis Presley’s Wikipedia page, as of this writing (6/23/22) there is no mention of any controversies surrounding him. Thought that was interesting. More pop culture revisionist history for the masses.

I guess it does matter if you’re black or white.

And AGAIN – Who even asked for a fuckin’ Elvis movie?

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