Shadow Net Series 22: Top o’ the Morning to Ya

There is a man that turned a Pop Tart into a flame throwing device. Why? Because this man had a toaster, a pack of Pop Tarts and a commitment to humanity, that’s why.

The one thousandth and nine hundred ninety fourth year of the common era in America actually had a lot of shit going on. The year started off on a weird, sad note with Nancy Kerrigan getting her knee busted up by some lunatic.

Tonya Harding was and still is a sack of shit.

Bill Clinton and Russian President Boris Yeltsin sign the Kremlin Accords – basically a made up document promising to stop pointing missiles at one another. My beloved Buffalo Bills get their asses handed to them by the Dallas Cowboys in the Super Bowl for the second time and both beloved Kurt Cobain and Jackie O pass away.

Later on the year’s headlines would be absolutely DOMINATED by The OJ Simpson trial but that’s not why we’re here today. No… We’re here today to discuss the most important thing ignored by all of the headlines at the time. One of mankind’s boldest and most underrated experiments of its time.

Weapons of mass destruction.

Things at: were just beginning to heat up. First – it should be noted that the Pop Tarts in 1994 were filled with Real Smucker’s Fruit. Rather than whatever plastic sugar coated, science lab jelly fish guts they inject into Pop Tarts these days. So already we’ve learned that in 1994 they were still *KIND OF* feeding us real food.

Now, I could see some science purists out there wanting to test to see if the Pop Tarts of our day are more or less volatile as 1994’s Strawberry Pop Tarts filled with Real Smucker’s Fruit and I implore you to test this theory. With your own toaster. Away from my house.

This is why the internet was invented.

I’m guessing you’re saying to yourself, “Well yeah, idiot. Anything you hold down in a hot toaster is going to start on fire” and I have no reasonable rebuttal to that. Because tone doesn’t exist. It is beyond a shadow of a doubt absolutely true that whatever you hold in a working toaster will burst into flames. Knowing that there is absolutely no reason on Earth for this web page to exist yet it does anyway. At times the world is a beautiful and mysterious place.

So as you can see this was a well thought out operation. In total they had six photographed steps meticulously documenting their scientific exploits. I don’t want to give away the entire experiment (more than I already have) because it’s all pretty hilarious so I will leave the link again for you to check out the site yourself at the end (which also has a ton of other interesting interesting articles and yes, even more food related experiments)

The website itself has a ton of personal humor and feel and it made me miss the Geocities days. Instead of the internet now – with everyone just amassing on social network platforms trying to look as impressive as possible to our exes and co-workers. We should go back to an internet where we all just had our own domains. Websites with real addresses – so those that were keeping up with your life truly meant to be there. Instead of having one another’s fake online avatars shoved down each other’s throats.

Imagine the ad revenue the internet population could monetize by replacing the cookie cutter social media sites we all huddle together on and instead creatingvour own digital domains all across the web. Websites that don’t betray each other’s trust and privacy. Imagine, a utopian world where, we the people, tell Zuckerberg to piss off. A pipe dream, I know.

The irony also is not lost on me that I, myself, use social media daily to connect with most of my friends, readers and creators of these websites I feature. But unfortunately for us all we live in the year 2022 and social media is a necessary evil. While I still would be writing this with zero readers the extra eyes and comments are enjoyable.

So as usual – I did try to reach out to Patrick, the creator of the website and as of this writing he has not replied to my email. Which is a shame because I really do think he is quite a character. I hope before I publish this he will reach out and we can talk more about his experiments and life but if not he lives on in internet infamy as the man bold enough to stare up at the sky and demand more dangerous Pop Tarts from the Gods. And he did it for us all.

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