The Bible Game

If I didn’t hate God before I certainly do now.

(If published before I will upload the video of gameplay I’m sure you’re all dying to see once I get home.)

I’ve had a lot of bad Easters but this one was the worst. Not because my mom tried to kill herself. No, that was the second worst thing to happen to me this Easter weekend. The absolute worst thing? The Bible Game.

Now I should have probably prefaced this by saying I am not a particularly religious or spiritual dude. I don’t really care for it. But I don’t ridicule people for their beliefs or anything like that – it’s non of my business. So just remember that Bible thumpers. You do you – I’ll do me. I’ll burn in the pit with the pitchfork man poking my butt for eternity or whatever if it makes you sleep better.

Moving on.

I actually got this one right.

The Bible Game is not solely a bad game because it is based on the Bible. It would be an awful game if it were based on the Koran. It would be an awful game if it were based on Gone With the Wind. It’d be an awful game if it was based on a Goosebumps book. It’s just simply bad. The game sucks so much it conjures up memories of other terrible acts in the name of Christianity.


The Crusades

Two hundred years of war and genocide over the control of select, “holy sites”.

The Inquisition

Just centuries worth of executions based on unfounded accusations in an effort for the Catholic Church to combat, “heresy”.

The Westboro Baptist Church

I’m not suggesting killing people but you know… if God was such a good guy he probably would squashed these scumbags by now.

The idiot that wrote this article:

Shame on you, Matthew.

Alter Bridge

So The Bible Game falls somewhere between, The Crusades and Alter Bridge on the chart of crimes against humanity committed in the name of Christianity.

Another Easter Memory…

I remember one Easter weekend years ago I had just gotten off the phone. I sat stunned looking across my room in an apartment I shared with two of my closest friends. On the phone was my first love, we had been having our share of difficulties and growing pains but I loved her and thought we could work it out. What I had found out squashed those hopes. She had been seeing someone else and come to find out he had a sexually transmitted disease or infection. One of the two. All bad.

Either way, long story short after emotionally coming to terms with my shitty life (once again) I found myself in a freezing hospital room in Niagara Falls, NY. Shivering on a cold slab of steel masquerading as a table with the room’s lights off and my boxers around my ankles. The only light in the room of this free obviously under budgeted free clinic was done garage flood lights a foot from my body. I could feel the heat from the lights on my boys. I was being swabbed by an eight hundred year old nurse.

For those without a medical background or a promiscuous past, swabbing is when a nurse or doctor puts a Q-Tip thing in your pee hole and tests the cultures inside your penis. Impossibly, it feels even worse than it sounds.

That Easter week sucked but still wasn’t as bad as The Bible Game.

Nobody looks good naked under these things.

I guess we can get to the actual game now. The Bible Game is a trivia and mini game based party game. It has a game show mode where four players partake in challenges and religious trivia. It is published by Crave Entertainment. The same fellas that unleashed Trigger Man on the world.

The major issue of this game isn’t even the shoddy religious themes or the shallow trivia. It’s the mini games. The mechanics are downright disparaging. The A.I. is already jacked beyond belief, leading to extremely tough and challenging gameplay so poor controls and mechanics just make it frustrating.

Simply put – it’s a poorly designed game that was meant to turn a quick buck on an untapped market. Serving the only real God we all believe in – our wallets.

Overall: 35%

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I don’t know maybe I’ve just been listening to too much Crypta. 🤷🏻‍♂️

I have no idea what their beliefs are – I just know Fernanda Lira scares my coworkers when I play their music.

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