Well … Call of Duty it’s not.
Well… I figured the past couple of months have been pretty heavy content wise (four Resident Evils, Life is Strange, Call of Duty 3) so so figured I’d lighten it up a little and go back to my roots. Back to my sad, pathetic little roots of taking the low hanging fruit. Punching (and kicking) down you could say, destroying extremely bad games. Including ones picked out by my four year old.
*disclaimer* I do not destroy my children’s games as she is playing them – I wait until she goes to bed, smoke a joint and then destroy them like a good parent.
Also, this is me stalling because it’s pretty hard to write any type of anything based on a video game whose single player campaign is about an hour and a half long. Also did I mention there are no enemies and it’s absolutely impossible to die/fail with ONE unacceptable exception (more on this later.)
As you can probably guess, this spellbinding plot pulls no punches launching us directly into the Crystal Kingdom Conflict. A power struggle with an undetermined origin between The Greedy King and some blonde lady on a horse.
I believe it might be based on some sort Made-For-T.V. movie and I would probably have more insight on the cast of characters, kingdom lore etc if I wanted to see it but:
- I don’t want to.
- Watching it would make me feel creepy.
Dora gets hired as an outside contractor of sorts not to mediate the situation but more to just take back the four crystals that the little black haired bozo stole and with the help of our simian sidekick, Boots and her talking fucking backpack that is also filled with the most useless shit on the planet she does so pretty easily.
The game has four realms home to the four crystals you have to retrieve – and you perform your basic side scrolling Playformer action as you do it. Collecting coins and key items – both measured by a gauge in the top right of the screen. Once both are filled you complete a “Choose the right color door” mini game and then you’re off to the next world. Pretty simple.
You basically do this same thing over and over again until the very end of the game. There is two flying sequences which if done better, could have broken up the monotony of the game but again the developers failed.
I would like to say it was at all fun to play or I took anything away from it but if I did that I would be lying and I don’t like lying to my four readers.
Overall: 59%
